The Fear of Being Bold
And the thrill of taking a risk
Have you ever walked into a group of people who are new to you and struggled to know how much to say? Wondered how your awkward jokes would be received? Wondered if you’d do better to just keep quiet and not let them see you?
Unless I’m about to get onstage (which is different, because you bought a ticket, so that’s on you), the question of how much to shake things up and how much to hold my tongue is one I struggle with every time I walk into a room. Especially a roomful of people I want to impress. I never noticed until recently, but there’s a loud, attention-grabbing goofball inside me who is dying to come out and push people to laugh at themselves.
Countless times I’ve gotten irritated with my husband for playing this very role, worried he would jeopardize our chances of acceptance somewhere. I tried to become the stern school marm only to realize that the jokester part of him was showing me something I was afraid of in myself. “Playful Resister” the therapists call it. I wanted to be demure. It turns out, I am not.
God knows what this means for a woman in this world. I thought I could escape the fate of a personality that is too loud, opinions that are too bold, a nose that goes where it shouldn’t. It turns out, I can’t.
WINSTON-SALEM! Join me and my band for a special night under the stars Saturday 9/28 at my friend Abby Catoe’s farm in East Bend! It will be a gorgeous time of year to enjoy some music outdoors. BYOB and bring picnic! Bring a blanket or lawn chairs. This is a grassroots production! 6:30 doors, 7:30 show. $20 adv/$25 door.
I think I’ve been playing this role with friends for a while; I just thought it was optional, like something I could put back on the shelf when it wasn’t useful, when the stakes are higher. I don’t know anymore. She might just be there for good.
Given that I can’t fight who I am anymore, it feels like the best thing would be to try to use it for the collective good, for social justice, for helping people loosen up. Because FFS the world is heavy and we need to laugh more, especially at ourselves.
You know when you land a ridiculous joke and then everyone knows they don’t have to take themselves too seriously, because you sure as hell don’t? That’s thrilling, right? It might not work every time, but what if on the balance it really helps? What if nine people feel they can let their guard down and relax into being human, even if the tenth one is still unsure? That’s good right? (Right?)
Feels like one of those things where once you see it, you can’t unsee it. Like when you get your ears pierced for the first time and suddenly notice everyone else has pierced ears. Or when you have a crush on someone and suddenly see their name everywhere. Or when you realize structural racism is insidious and ubiquitous and if we want to change it, we must be committed for the long haul. Goofy Gertrude is here to stay now, so I guess it’s time to welcome her to the family.
Thanks to Americana UK for this interview and retrospective of my catalog! Click image to read.
Never Gonna Break Me T Shirts, Tanks & Crop Tees!
Lots of sizes and styles for all bodies and genders now in my merch store! Thanks to these bad-ass artists - for being my models - check out their music and work: Cashavelly , Rev Sarah Howell, Tamika Wells.
UPCOMING DATES:
9/5-9/8 Antlers & Acorns Songwriters Festival, Boone, NC
9/18 Yonder, Hillsborough, NC - Songwriter in the Round w/Jonathan Byrd & Kirk Ridge
9/21 Lucky Penny, Washington, DC
9/28 Catoe Farm, East Bend, NC - FULL BAND SHOW
10/16 White Horse Black Mountain, Black Mountain, NC - Dark City Songwriter Series w/Beth Lee
11/9 Stone Soup Coffeehouse, Providence, RI
11/10 House of Play, Boston, MA w/Jenny Reynolds - 5 pm. Tickets $30. Please email for reservations
Thank you Philly Folk Fest! What a treat to join you!
